Posted to the Facebook page of ‘Amaka Adaego Ayuba III’ and mirrored on the FAWN websiteThe video opens on the FAWN logo before fading out and revealing the studio desk usually occupied by FAWN’s social media director Mel Sutton and her interview guests. This time, however, it is occupied by a single woman -- a slender, fetching brunette wearing a blue sequined Chanel dress. From one shoulder of the dress hangs what appears to be a price tag and on the opposite shoulder are the remnants of a haphazardly dismantled anti-theft device. A few seconds later, a banner identifying the young woman as Maria Alves rather than her Facebook pseudonym is superimposed on the bottom of the screen.
MARIA ALVES
“Greetings and salutations,” she says through a thick Brazilian accent, although her English remains relatively easy to understand for those fluent in the language. “I am Maria, and this is
Maria’s FALLOUT review.”
Maria frowns slightly, as if something is bothering her.
“Before we begin, I wish to say that I am being unfairly punished. Our chief executive officer Edward Wayne Thomas is coercing me to do this video segment, because he feels that I have stolen his wristwatch collection, which is patently absurd. It is only a coincidence that I legitimately procured the exact same timepieces as those in Edward’s collection on the same day that his were discovered missing. Rest assured, I have written Edward a polite yet strongly worded letter asking him not to besmirch my good name and reputation, and unrelated to this matter, I have also legitimately procured an automobile of the exact same make, model, color, license plate, and vehicle identification number as Edward’s.”
The Brazilian rookie takes a deep breath and lets it out in a big sigh, evidently feeling better now that she’s gotten that off her chest.
“Thank you for indulging my digression from the task at hand. I will be giving my opinion on each match, which is definitive above all other opinions, and then I will be assigning a star rating, as is the custom. Let us begin.”
Alves clicks a button hidden somewhere beneath the desktop, and a highlight package of Zoe Scott and Mickey Gold’s opening match plays behind her on a blue screen.
“Listening to the loud and shrill Zoe Scott is quite grating and I have the urge to stab her with many sharp things whenever she speaks. Somehow in this strange and lawless place, this affords her a plethora of professional opportunities rather than puncture wounds and tetanus. As far as Mickey Gold is concerned, her triumphant return to the world of wrestling is a black mark against our erstwhile champion’s ability to properly break a leg. Perhaps I shall show Veronica Treymane the correct technique and then she can finally be victorious again after losing to everyone she has come across for the better part of the last year. Star rating: 62 G. Scorpii.”
The screen clicks over to Maria’s own match against Laura Diamond.
“It is a great injustice that I am being fined for repairs to Laura Diamond’s motorcycle, yet she is not being fined for repairs to my legitimately procured watches that I most certainly did not take from a locked safe with passcode nineteen, thirty seven, fifteen, eighty one, zero five hidden underneath the floorboards in office of Edward Wayne Thomas. I am also quite upset that the referee did not allow me to shatter Laura’s femurs. I saw in her great potential as a wheelchair basketball player, and thus I intended to set Laura on the path to a more fruitful career. Due to the unnecessary and unwarranted meddling of the official, however, Laura must now continue to suffer as a mediocre and forgettable wrestler. Truly, we are all victims here, especially me. Star rating: HR 6806.”
The chaotic finish to the match between Camille Cosworth and Ginnifer Chadwick is next.
“Bethany Christian is always prattling some incomprehensible platitude about grabbing the brass ring. Apparently that means attacking random wrestlers while brandishing steel chairs and ancient audio equipment with nary a brass ring in sight, which sends a very conflicting message. As an aside, I find Sherilyn Chadwick to be almost as irritating as Zoe Scott. Her nattering makes me relieved that my birth mother is most likely dead, and Camille Cosworth did us all a great disservice by not allowing her to be pummeled into a coma. Shame on you, Camille. How could you be so selfish as to not consider the rest of us? Star rating: Denebola.”
Elise Winterrest versus Lenore Lemarchand.
“It annoys me that Elise Winterrest anoints herself with such grandiose a title as Miss Murder. Does a murder victim stand proud and issue a challenge as Lenore Lemarchand did? No! A murder victim lies face down and motionless in a favela alleyway, while roving packs of feral children rifle through his pockets. Elise failed to live up to her reputation, and while she will have another opportunity in a month, the chance that she succeeds is less than the chance that Yoona Park is a virgin. By the power vested in me by the great kingdom of Nigeria, I officially proclaim that the former Miss Murder shall henceforth be known by the more appropriate epithet of Miss Aggravated Assault. Star rating: Betelgeuse.”
Adelaide Brewster versus Yoona Park.
“Despite initial appearances, I have concluded that Adelaide Brewster is in fact not a vampire. My notes indicate that this is now Adelaide’s second loss to the aforementioned Yoona Park, who is also not a vampire. I suppose that means Yoona is the victor in this battle of normal people who are not possessed of fantastic, supernatural powers, but I simply do not care anymore. I was promised a war amongst monsters, and that promise was a cold-hearted lie. I speak for everyone when I say this series of matches was more disappointing than a stillborn fetus. Star rating: 70 Ophiuchi.”
Sammie Sinclair versus Fiona Waterford for the Eurasian Championship.
“It warms my heart to see the noble Lady Waterford triumph over the most despicable wrestler from the most despicable of stables. In just my first week in this federation, I was accosted by multiple members of the shadowy cabal known as Upstart Nation. I was brought to the lair of their leader Samantha Sinclair, and there I was force-fed ice cream, brutally beaten with feather-stuffed pillows, and interrogated under threat of having to perform dangerous and humiliating acts should I choose not to answer. I was able to escape only after setting multiple diversionary fires in the kitchen, living room, bathroom, and guest bedroom. I consider myself fortunate to be alive today, and Elizabeth Cromwell was equally fortunate to escape the thrall of Upstart Nation. You must run, Elizabeth! Run, and live each day as if it were your last! Write a book! Fall in love! Learn to wrestle! Make use of the little time left to you before Upstart Nation exacts its terrible vengeance and rends your soul asunder! Star rating: Alpha Canis Minoris.”
Bianca Simpson versus Trisha Belle for the Intercontinental Championship.
“When I see Bianca Simpson, I am reminded of the parable of the ugly duckling. Once upon a time there was an unfortunate duckling who was ostracized for his strange and hideous appearance. Whereas the other members of his flock migrated to warmer waters in the winter, the ugly duckling sequestered himself in an abandoned farmhouse. When spring returned and the snow thawed, he ventured out and gazed upon his reflection in a lake. No longer was he an ugly duckling, for he had grown into an equally ugly drake! Unable to attract a mate, he died alone, having neither received nor deserved affection for the whole of his existence. This story was pointless and depressing, much like every match Bianca has been in. Star rating: 47 Tauri.”
Wendy Smith versus Dominique Daly for the Lightweight Championship.
“Do you see, Elizabeth Cromwell? Do you understand now the extent of the Upstart menace? For every neatly coiffed Upstart head you sever, two will grow in its place. They cannot be bargained with. They cannot be reasoned with. They do not feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. It was only by the grace of God that Dominique Daly was able to triumph over Chloe Fields and the eldritch abomination that is Strawbeary, but with the insatiable Bunny Cooper now baying for blood, the end of days is nigh. Valhalla awaits you, Dominique. As you drink mead and swap tall tales with the departed warriors of yore, rest easy knowing that I will have pawned what remains of your salvageable organs to only the highest bidder. Star rating: Beta Canum Venaticorum.”
Eliza Bliss versus Susannah Burlingame for the World Championship.
“I must say, I am quite surprised. I had heard much of Eliza Bliss and her inability to win on the grandest stage, particularly in unflattering comparisons to her doubles partner Olivia Dare. If I may draw an analogy to American folk music duo Simon and Garfunkel, Olivia would be the more acclaimed and celebrated Simon, while Eliza would be the other person whose name I have forgotten. But no more! No longer is Eliza always the bridesmaid and never the bride, now she is the bridesmaid who is having an affair with the groom! Eliza has already made cuckqueans of Jenny Jacobs and Susannah Burlingame in a pair of impressive displays, and I am eager to see how far her adulterous wiles will take her. Bravo, Eliza! Bravo! Star rating: UY Scuti.”
Maria clicks her button one last time, and the highlights from the Songbird’s inaugural championship defense fades to a stationary picture of the FAWN logo.
“This concludes
Maria’s FALLOUT review. I am now registered on the Book of Faces, so please comment and leave me your feedback along with your date of birth, mother’s maiden name, and social security number. Thank you for your attention.”
Alves smiles pleasantly, then the video cuts to black.
